Pianycist's Response to Compromise: the Key to an Asexual Relationship
- Details
- Category: Asexual Passions
- Published on Saturday, 30 July 2011 00:47
- Written by Lara Landis
- Hits: 1543
(Publisher's Note: The article this is responding to can be found here.)
How about RESPECTING BOUNDARIES and BEING CONSCIENTIOUS OF PARTNERS’ BOUNDARIES?
“The Asexual partner should not expect the sexual partner to give up intercourse".
The sexual partner should not expect any potential partner to provide them with sex. Period. Having that expectation is rape culture. And demisexuality needs to be brought up, because demis can have relationships with Aces and with sexual people—and the same need for everyone to be conscientious of boundaries applies.
I don’t ever expect to cuddle with my cuddlesquish, despite that I want to. I don’t even have the expectation that I will get to hold hands with people whose hands I want to hold. Physical contact is something I will talk about as something I like and I will ask before doing anything. And I will not expect the other person to pull me aside and tell me “By the way, I’m not interested in [x]” or “[x] makes me uncomfortable”. I will always ask if some form of physical contact is okay first before doing it, and if the answer is “no” or “not now” or “not ever”, I deal with it and won’t ask again.
Despite that I’m an extremely sensual person, no one owes me hugs, cuddles, kisses or anything. If they were things that could be owed, it would cheapen their value. The same goes for sex for people who enjoy it. I say this as a (gray Asexual) person who has transgressed a (sexual) person’s boundaries in the past and wants never to transgress anyone’s boundaries again.
If someone gives me kisses or cuddles, I want it to be because they want to do so. Not because I laid down the requirement for them to do so if they want to remain in an interpersonal relationship with me.
Share this post
thumbs up for pianycist
oh, you're so wrong. i don't know what kind of relationships you have but people are entitled to needs and wants and to be able to expect it from the partner they look for. if, for a sexual partner, this partner happens to be asexual that doesn't mean the other is not entitled to have sex, this means s/he's not entitled to have sex with the asexual partner and guilt, force, demand sex from him/her. and just as the asexual has the right to not have sex because, oh well, its not part of his/hers relationship experience, then the sexual has the right to want it. there are several ways of dealing with this a)one gives in, by 'forced' celibacy or 'forced' sexual intercourse b)they compromise and have sex some of the times and don't have sex the others (ideally this would be the balance between the sexual need of both and this happens almost in every relationship) c) letting the sexual partner satisfy the needs the other is not able to meet by having an open relationship of any kind.
if, of course, this compromise is not possible, the relationship is not possible and should end.