A Negative #5: Missing Presumed?

Details: Category: A Negative; Published on Friday, 20 January 2012 16:42; Written by T. Henrik Anttonen; Hits: 639

Random encounter: ”So you don’t have sex, like, ever”?

Me: ”No. Actually, I find the prospect rather disgusting”.

Random encounter: ”That’s so sad”.

Me: ”How on earth is that sad”?

Random encounter: ”You’ll be missing out on so much”.

Me: ”I see... So do you like to eat raw seal flesh carved from its corpse”?

Random encounter: ”Eww, no. That’s disgusting”.

Me: ”Well, that’s all that certain Eskimo tribes eat and enjoy it quite a lot. Isn’t it sad that you’re missing out on so much”?

Random encounter comes to a quick end.

It’s really baffling that no matter how universally accepted it is that different people enjoy different things, this doesn’t seem to apply to sexuality. It is unimaginable to some people that you might not want it or don’t enjoy it. Why is that? Is it pure, blind, evil, loathesome ignorance? Intentional stupidity to remain clueless about the world around them and the variety of being that the human experience offers us? Well, probably not, but sometimes it’s fun to think that way. However, for the purposes of this column, I shall be more constructive than that.

Obviously there is a lot missing from my life because I’m Asexual. Just as I’m missing out on what it’s like to be a woman, what it’s like to be a rock star, what it’s like to be on the moon or what it’s like to deliver a baby. I will never know what it’s like to be sexual and I will never know the pleasure that sexuals gain from sex and their sexuality. I won’t even know the pleasure romantic people gain from their romantic relationships. So yes, I’m missing out on it all. But here’s the thing: I don’t care. Never have, never will.

Whatever sexual people get out of their sexual relations is obviously something I can never experience because I’m not sexual, just as homosexual people can never experience the particular joys of heterosexual relationships and vice versa. If I were to force myself to have sexual encounters, I wouldn’t receive any pleasure from them. Just like I don’t know what it’s like for someone who enjoys smoking to enjoy the first smoke of the day simply because I do not smoke. Forcing myself to smoke wouldn’t bring me any closer to the experience, quite the opposite.

The next inevitable question is: ”Don’t you wish you could enjoy sex? Don’t you wish you could get the satisfaction, the endorphin rush”?

Simply put: No. Why would I? I find the entire concept of sex rather repulsive. But I enjoy public speaking and voice acting. Both things that a lot of people dread more than anything. Should they feel bad that they don’t enjoy what I do? Should they feel like something is missing from their life because they can’t experience the satisfaction that a succesful public appearance gives to me? No. And nobody would probably even suggest that they should. So why the heck would sex be any different?

The answer should be: It would not! There’s not a single thing that makes sex any different than any other activity you might or might not enjoy, or even be able to enjoy. But that’s not what society tells us. Society teaches us to have a pretty darn unhealthy relationship with sex and sexuality. It’s something you must secretly want all the time but you should never display it in any way. Essentially, society is teaching us all to be closet perverts. And I should feel bad because I don’t conform to that? I have to admit that the appeal of the entire setup continues to elude me.

Ultimately I think that the question “is there anything missing from your life because you’re Asexual” is exactly the same as asking if there’s anything missing from my life because I’m not a squirrel. Sure, I bet there’s a ton of pretty neat things about being a squirrel that I cannot experience, ever. But I’m not going to worry about it, because it would be utterly pointless. I’ll just worry about what I am and how to make the best of it, rather than worry about what I can’t be.

The random encounter returns, looking very pleased with himself.

Random encounter: ”But I know you like masturbating! Everybody loves masturbation! Got you there, didn't I”?

And so it begins again...